Monday, February 9, 2009
Neurotic Browns Fan interviews Browns Head Coach Eric Mangini
Browns head coach Eric Mangini sits down to talk with Neurotic Browns Fan -
NBF: Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule of remodeling the practice facility to speak with us.
Mangini: Uh, you’re welcome. Are you referring to the relocation of the Browns mural?
NBF: YES YOU INTERLOPER! HOW DARE YOU BESMIRCH THE PROUD HISTORY OF THIS TEAM! BELICHICK MUST DIE!
Mangini: Your passion is commendable. Also a little creepy. But don’t worry – I have only relocated it to an area where the public can see it. Have you ever seen the mural?
NBF: Are you being condescending? We pay your salary, bub.
Mangini: Actually, Mr. Lerner does tha…
NBF: LERNER!?! You mean that tea-sippin’ soccer-loving rich boy that cannot fathom the pain we have lived with all these years?
Mangini: Uh, yeah, Randy Lerner, the owner.
NBF: I know who he is! Now you’re insulting my intelligence. You’re not endearing yourself to us, Mangelichick.
Mangini: Well, since you mentioned him, you know that I got my start with the Browns when Belichick was head coach here. I was a go-fer, I broke down film, basically did anything that was asked…
NBF: So you supported the decision to cut (cue the choir) Bernie Kosar?
Mangini: Uh, actually, I didn’t have anything to do with that decision. During that time I was ordering pizza for the press corps that was gathering to attend the press conference…
NBF: I deliver pizzas for Hungry Howie’s.
Mangini: Uh…good…good for you.
NBF: That doesn’t mean I don’t know my football though, Mangoofus. Don’t try me. I once delivered a triple anchovy pie to (cue the choir) Dave Puzzouli. He sacked Elway during The Drive.
Mangini: You must have been proud.
NBF: YOU DON’T KNOW ME!
Mangini: Uh, okay. Anyway, I am real excited about being the head coach of this great team, with its proud history and tradition. It is my goal to bring a championship to this great city and to you fans. You all deserve it.
NBF: What about the Steelers?
Mangini: Uh, what about them?
NBF: My God, are you as blockheadedly obtuse as your former boss, Beliprick? Are you going to beat the Steelers?
Mangini: Well of course. It is my goal to beat whichever team the Browns play on a given week…
NBF: Ya gonna instruct your players to disembowel Roethlisberger? Maybe face-plant him like (cue the choir) Turkey Jones did to Bradshaw? Maybe yank Polamalu’s hair until it rips the flesh off the top of his head exposing his brain matter to the frigid Cleveland air causing him to die a slow agonizing death? Cuz that would be cool.
Mangini: Uh…yeah. Look, my team is going to play tough, nard-nosed blue-collar football, but we will also play within the rules.
NBF: You’re a wuss.
Mangini. Noted. Anyway, the ultimate goal is a Super Bowl win, right?
NBF: No. Beat the Steelers.
NBF: BEAT THE FREEKIN’ STEELERS!!! What’s this “Super Bowl” thing you talk about?
Mangini: Uh, it’s the championship game of the NFL, played every year.
NBF: Oh. Do you get there by beating the Steelers?
Mangini: Actually, you get there by making the playoffs & winning all your playoff games. Technically, the Browns could lose twice to the Steelers and still make it.
NBF: I don’t like that then.
Mangini: Sorry to hear that. Anyway, look – I gotta run. I’ve got a ton of evaluation to do on the current players & get ready for free agency & then the draft. There’s just not enough hours in the day, you know?
NBF: Yeah right. You need to go buy some more white paint. I get it. Not enough time for the FANS WHO PAY YOUR SALARY AND WHO YOU SHOULD WORSHIP, YOU FRAUD!
Mangini: Yeah. Anyway, have a nice day.
NBF: DON’T LEAVE BEREA!