Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Phil Hellmuth is a Dick (This is for you, Sandra)


Okay, let me first say that anyone that has won the championship of his profession eleven times is: a) Pretty damn good, and b) Deserves respect as a result. Fine. I respect Phil Hellmuth…as a poker player. As a human being he’s a 100% Grade A USDA Prime Turdburger.

Yes I know, he wears that ‘Poker Brat’ label proudly, but unfortunately he has spawned a generation of ‘entitled’ poker players through his table histrionics. If you’ve ever played Texas Hold-Em at a bar or casino, you know this kind of player.

Say you got 7-8 off-suit & Hellmuth Wannabe over there raises pre-flop & you call. The hand plays out & you end up cracking his pocket kings with two pair. Instead of a half-hearted ‘Nice hand’ from DickHead, you’re met with an explosion of Vesuvian proportions – “I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU CALLED ME WITH 7-8 OFF!!! WHY DON’T YOU LEARN TO PLAY THIS GAME YOU DONKEY SUCK-OUT!!!” as he chucks his card & chips into the middle of the table & does a spastic, apoplectic Watusi dance reeking of cheesy fake incredulity.

See, here’s what these so-called ‘professional’ players are thinking: When they pre-flop raise, they are expecting you to fold your 7-8 off. The pre-flop raise is a strategic maneuver to weed out players – like you – trying to make their hands on the flop. So when you call the pre-flop raise, you have thwarted their strategy. Now, if you’re a novice player, you may not know this. If you’re an advanced player, you recognize this, but are willing to risk chips by calling the raise in the hopes of making your hand. In other words, you know HellBaby over there has a pocket pair and you’re trying to beat it with the flop.So the flop comes, say it’s 4-7-8. You’ve made your hand. Now we’re playing poker my friend. You can see the color drain out of Soon-to-LoseMuth over there. He checks angrily. So do you. Turn card – check/check. River – check/check. Cards exposed, rage ensues.

I heard someone once say that any chips put into the middle of the table are AT RISK. Period. I’ve seen 2-4 off beat pocket aces. That’s why they call it gambling, and those that try a strategy of pre-flop raising have to understand that the strategy may blow up in their face. Because the random element of any poker game is the other players, getting upset that they didn’t conform to your strategy is not their fault, but yours. So sit your crybaby ass down – and post the big blind, Jackhole.

1 comment:

D. (Just D) said...

Haha...OMG, that is hysterical.

I am certainly no expert card player, but hate those assholes who raise before the flop, and the other novices all jump on. Raise, call, raise, call ad nauseum, until the pot is huge before anyone knows for sure they have a winning hand. In my gut I know they are ALL raising and calling on 7-8 off, but I fold my pocket 10s because I don't want to get involved in this pissing contest and risk somebody flopping trips. Then the winning hand ends up being a pair of 4s. It makes me want to kill people.